We open in a quiet little flat in Seattle.

Daphne: Could I have next weekend off, Dr Crane? I want to go to England – my aunt Diana is speaking at a convention.

Fr: You mean Diana Wynne Jones? The noted children's author? The wonderful woman who wrote Fire and Hemlock? You bet! Do you think there would be room for me to come too? (he grins his boyish grin)

Daphne: I don't see why not. In fact, you might speak to her about her travel jinx.

We shift to a little coffee house in New York. A group of people are lounging on a sofa arguing.

Ross: I tell you, I've got to go to England. I've found out she's going to some convention or other – in Winchester.

Joey: A convention? A Nudist convention??? (raises eyebrow) Count me in!

Everyone ignores Joey.

Ross: She's my wife and I've got to talk to her. I want her to sign these divorce papers so that I can get half her money.

Chandler : (sly glance at Monica) Well, I'm definitely coming.

Monica : Me too. I'll be there to support you.

Phoebe : Well, I'm going to ring up my uncle, Al. He'd enjoy something like this. He and Peggy need some time away from Kelly and Bud and I'm sure he'd like to come with us.

Everyone wonders whether Phoebe's uncle (who they've never heard of until now) is going to be as weird as the rest of her family.

Meanwhile, in a little corner of Bristol, a very under appreciated author prepares for her trip to Winchester.

Diana (to herself) : notebook – check. Pen – check. Thick jumper – check. Map for when I get lost – check. Umbrella – check. Peanuts and beer – check. Tea, lots of, - check. List of amusing anecdotes – check. Blood type and donor card – check. Spare pair of socks – check. Right, that's me ready. Look out Winchester, here I come. Well, almost ready.

Diana starts gyrating and flicking her fingers at all four corners of the room chanting: travel jinx, travel jinx, can't get me, flick, flick.

Winchester – the attendees arrive (think British Stereotypes – look, there's Tom Conte having a drink at the bar! – beside the game of darts and beer swilling lads talking sociably in broad cockney)

Ross: but we booked enough rooms for everyone – look, here's the reservation.

Check-in Clerk: I'm frIGHtfully sorry, Sir. There seems to have been a mistake. We have one double room allocated to Mr and Mrs Bing, one to Mr Geller and Ms Trebiani and a twin to Rachel and Pheobe Buffet. Mr and Mrs Chandler's room is en-suite. The other two are sharing the bathroom with the rest of the corridor.

Chandler and Monica's faces light up.

Ross (casting an ineffectual look at the others) : Well, I'M frightFULLY sorry, but that just won't do.

Clerk: I'm afraid we're fully booked for the convention. You'll have to sort out who has which room for yourselves.

A well built, slightly going to seed, American interrupts: Let me sort this out for you lad. We've got to stand together against all this British Crap. (He grabs a handful of the clerks shirt and pulls him over the desk) Look, squirt, we busted a gut rescuing you from your little war fifty years ago and we didn't do it so that we could be messed around with over hotel bookings. Now why don't you get your little pen and cross out some other names and put my new friends in their rooms before I make it so that you can never hold a pen again.

Clerk: (gulp) yes, sir. (crosses out two of the four rooms for the Crane party)

Al: That's better. Now, (he turns to the others) did I ever tell you about the time I made all state football champion and made three touchdowns in a single game?

Enter The Crane Boys and Daphne.

Frasier and Niles look around at the hotel in a contemptuous fashion. Martin looks as though he's had enough of their squabbling. He didn't want to come anyway but Frasier insisted as usual.

Frasier: Hardly what one would call a four star hotel, do you think Niles?

Niles: Certainly not (he neatly steps sideways as a Klingon in full battle dress tries to walk through him)

Daphne: Actually, it's a pretty decent hotel – they have indoor toilets and everything.

Martin: (returning from the check-in desk) There's been a mix-up. They've given two of our room to someone else.

Frasier: (exploding in pomposity) how DARE they. Don't they KNOW who I AM?

Niles: No, Frasier, they don't. Never mind, we must make the best of it. You and Dad bunk together and Daphne and I will share the other room.

Frasier and Martin give Niles a scornful look and Niles wilts. Daphne remains oblivious, as usual.

Daphne: Look, there's Auntie Diana…

Frasier and Niles: Ooh, ooh, where, where.
speed off after a lady wearing a plaster cast.

Daphne: I knew that would get rid of them. Let me check us in, I know how to handle these people. Quick, lean on your cane and look ill.

Daphne manages to arrange a single for Martin as he is disabled. The two doctors end up sharing and Daphne has managed to wangle an en-suite room all to herself by claiming kin-ship with one of the guests.

Later, in the bar (watching a large jocular group of cockneys play darts):

Ross: I've looked everywhere. I can't find Emily at all. I'm beginning to think she's not here. Say, has anyone seen Chandler… or Monica lately?

Joey (uneasily): Uh, yeah, they went to look for Emily. They said they'd be a while and that they were going to search every conceivable crevice. In fact, they said they might just keep looking so not to worry if you don't see them all weekend.

Ross: (smiling, happily) Those guys!

Al: Beer. I need beer. Pe-eeg. I need beer.

(Peg is dancing with the Cockney dart players)

Peg: What dear? Just wait a minute can't you Al? I owe this man two more tangos and a rumba for the last round.

Al: Pe-e-g
A-a-a-lllll

While Ross and co. are sitting at the bar quaffing beer with the stereotypical Englishmen, Daphne has just reached her aunt Diana on the phone.

Diana: Oh hello, Daphne. It's been Donkey's years since I've talked to you. Would you like to come down to the bar and get a drink? (voice drops to a whisper) and help me get rid of these two officious Americans "helping" me out, will you dear?

Daphne: Oh my. Could you describe them?

(Diana gives a fairly accurate description of Frasier and Niles and when she's done, we can hear in the background...)

Frasier: No, Niles, I'm carrying her suitcase, and that's the last of it. You can have the crutches ...

Niles: But she said she'd hit me if I tried to take them again!

Frasier: Well. Isn't that just your bad luck.

Daphne: We're coming, Aunt Diana! (hangs up)

Martin: (Seeing Daphne's shock) What's Frasier done now?

Daphne: He's attached himself to Aunt Diana. I'm sure he wants a look at her new book.

(Martin groans) All right. We'll have to rescue her now.

Down at the bar, Ross wanders away in solitary mournfulness, when suddenly, who should appear before him but Emily. And she's seen him, too, so there's no getting away. Their eyes lock across the crowded room and somehow they're suddenly standing side by side (never mind the crowded room! These things happen by magic with true romance!)

and ...

Emily: Ross! What in God's name are you doing here?

Ross: umm errr I've always had a... ah... taste for fantasy... yes. It's the books.

Emily: The books?" Ross, you never were much of a liar. You're here looking for me, and now you've found me. Don't you have something to say to me?"

Ross: Yes. Emily, I want a d... d... d... d I want a deep and meaningful relationship with you and I'm sorry I said Rachel at our wedding and I've missed you so dreadfully...

Emily: Dreadfully? Oh please, Ross. You don't have to carry it THAT far. What do you really want?

Ross: I thought I wanted a divorce... I came here to divorce you so I could take half your money...but now that I've seen you... I suddenly remember all the wonderful things about you I'd somehow...

Emily: Oh Ross

Ross: Oh Emily

They lean in close and kiss. Just then, Chandler and Monica wander back. They've lost their key somehow and discovered the bathroom in the corridor is a little crowded full of other people who are searching all the crevices for other things and they've given up and come downstairs.

Monica: Hello! What's this? She dashes back into the bar and gets Rachel and Phoebe, who enter just in time to see the kiss break up.

Ross and Emily stand slightly apart and Emily sees Rachel over Ross's shoulder.

Emily: Oh. You didn't tell me you brought her along.

Rachel, Phoebe, Chandler and Monica stroll over.

Monica: Well hello I see you found Emily.

Ross: Uhh, yes (one of those moments when we hear him thinking) I wonder how much they've seen. (out loud) Yes I did find her.

Phoebe: And what did you tell her?

Ross: Err... I told her...

Emily: He told me...He told me that he wants a divorce so he can have half my money. Well, Ross, I'll see you in court. (ooh how very American of me)

As the two stand glaring at each other, Monica, Chandler, Rachel, and Phoebe drift away in embarrassment.

Emily (whispers to Ross) You've got one last chance, Buck Rogers... meet me in your room in ten minutes if you're still serious about me. Otherwise, it's all over but the abandonment settlement in my favour.

(She leaves Ross stunned, and Ross hears Rachel saying...)

Rachel: But I saw him KISS her. YOU saw him kiss her. We ALL saw him kiss her.

Ross: Oh no. They know... But they don't know I know they know. And as long as they don't know I know they know, then they'll pretend like they DON'T know, which is just as good as them NOT knowing. So... OK... yeah... guys, let's all go into the bar and get very drunk. (exit all Friends but Ross) For about ten minutes.

Back upstairs, the Crane/Wynne Jones party is making its very awkward way to the bar.

Niles: Why don't you let me carry something for you?

DWJ: You're already carrying my bloody purse! What else do you want?

Frasier: Oh, yes. Let Niles have the purse. What does Frasier get? Nothing. As usual. Niles gets whatever he wants.

DWJ: Oh, bugger! Share the purse! Rob me. I don't care. It was very kind of you to share your room with me since the hotel staff didn't recognise me, but for God's sake don't I deserve a little privacy?

Frasier: (Grabbing one of the purse straps from Niles) Travel jinx? What's that about your travel jinx?

DWJ: (As Niles snatches the purse back from Frasier) I can't go anywhere without it. It's already struck this time. I'd almost made it... nearly to Winchester, and of course, there had to be the slow tractor. When there's nothing else, there's always a tractor...one of those with the tines sticking out both sides from one side of the road to the other... oh, what's the word?

Niles: Pitchfork? (Frasier grabs the whole purse)

Frasier: (With a withering look) Would it be a combine?

DWJ: Never mind what it was. It was poking along just to slow up a line of traffic... and bugger it all if the pipsqueak behind me didn't try and pass me and the tractor both! Ran me right off the road then drove through the ditch himself to get around. The tractor driver was generous enough to stop and give me a ride to the hospital and get my leg in a cast, since my foot got broken when a ceramic tea mug flew forward out of the back seat and smashed into ankle. But it was slow going let me tell you. And now they've given my room away. It's the travel jinx.

Frasier: (Niles grabs the purse, and the Crane brothers tussle through Frasier's next speech) Have you ever considered that you might be causing the jinx yourself psychologically? That you are cursed because you believe you are cursed? And if we could hypnotise you and convince you that you weren't cursed, the jinx would be broken?

DWJ: Hypnotism. I've not tried that yet. And I dare say nothing could make this weekend worse... but I've got the most terrible feeling. .

(Enter Al)

Al: Hey! Look! Free beer! (Al plunges down the hall followed by a mass of Klingons, Romulans, Antarians, dwarves, elves, Vulcans, fairies, and one unfortunate centaur to plaster DWJ and the Crane bros. Against the wall. Just as it looks like they're about to be knocked down and trampled underfoot, the elevator door pops open behind them and Martin and Daphne pull them inside. As the elevator door closes, we hear. .. )

Voice: WE are the Borg...we will assimilate free beer!

After ten minutes of beering with his buds, Ross is starting to get quite uncomfortable. Phoebe's weird uncle Al dashed off down the hall after mooching money off of everybody and besides, he needs to sneak off to meet Emily in his bedroom, but it seems like everybody else is settling in for a nice long night at the bar. "Ah, well, umm, I'll just be heading for the bathroom," he says.

Rachel: Now look. Just wait a minute, Ross. What did you and Emily decide to do back there?

Ross: What do you mean what did we decide to do? We're getting a divorce. Tomorrow. And we'll be rid of each other once and for all.

Rachel: I don't believe you. Look, we saw you kiss.

Ross: Yes. You saw us kiss... goodbye. We're through with each other.

Rachel: Prove it

Ross: Well, I'm getting a divorce tomorrow! What more do you want?

Rachel: I want you, to... (and she looks around the room and spots a woman with crutches entering with some Americans) . to ask her on a date!

Ross: But she's old enough to be my mother!

Rachel: So! What does that matter? You're on a vacation.

Ross: But. .

Rachel: Unless EMILY would mind!

Ross: (gulps, then reluctantly heads across the bar) Um, excuse me ma'am. I was struck by the intense beauty of your...crutches... as you walked in the room... and I suddenly find myself in passionate love with you.... and I wondered if you'd like to join me in my room immediately for a .... a romantic interlude.

DWJ: Uh . .. (She's seen some conference weirdoes, but this guy takes the cake. She was expecting to avoid the guest thing except at the autograph booths and this small evening meal with Daphne (and she had so HOPED to go unrecognised Underappreciation does have some benefits.) But at the same time, when it comes to bluffing, nobody outbluffs DWJ, and since she knows the day can't get any worse, she's determined to beat this American at his own game) I'd love to. Give me your extra key.

Ross: (who has already given Emily his extra key) Sure. Just one second. . (dashes back over to Rachel) There she said yes. Are you happy?

Rachel: Give her your extra key.

Ross: But! You said...

Rachel: Emily ...

Ross: (groans) OK, OK (goes back to DWJ) Here's my key... you sexy thing. I'll see you in ten minutes in my room.

DWJ: All right, sugar lips. Ten minutes. Just let me slip into something more comfortable.

(Ross dashes out and DWJ goes over to Rachel)

DWJ: OK he was talking to you. What's going on here?

(So Rachel tells DWJ about the Emily thing, and DWJ decides this is too much fun to miss out on. Just then, Peg Bundy enters dressed as a Romulan sex goddess. Catcalls from the live audience)

Phoebe: (to DWJ) And there's just the dress you need to not seduce him in.

Daphne: Are you sure about this, Aunt Diana?

DWJ: Absolutely positive.

Niles: Why does Frasier get to carry the purse? You said I could carry it for you. .

Ross dashes up to his room and bangs on the door for Emily to let him in.

Emily: I was getting scared you weren't coming! Where were you?

Ross: In deep trouble.

Emily: Oh, now what? Don't tell me it's that Rachel.

Ross: Well...(and so he tells her the whole thing to save time, this scene is run in fast forward, and ends with Emily hitting Ross upside the head with a pillow)

Emily: Thinks she can outbluff you does she! Well. We'll show HER. Rachel will not outbluff Emily Geller. When she gets here in ten minutes, you are going to be the most hyper-sexed American in this hotel. And get me DWJ's autograph while you're at it.

Ten minutes pass, and we find:

Peg finds Al drunk under a table. She's just spent all their money on her sex-goddess outfit, which was stolen from her promptly by her strange cousin. She takes the room key out of Al's pocket (hers vanished along with the outfit, and she's been reduced to wearing DWJ's outfit, a very nice plain suit, which just horrifies Peg). Trying to find her room to hide, she finds out they've somehow given Al a master key and starts letting herself into all the rooms looking for something decent to wear.

Chandler and Monica find Peg's room key and let themselves back upstairs to explore some more crevices.

Niles and Frasier have spilled the purse and have been abandoned to pick up the contents . with the unfortunate aid of some Munchkins.

Outside Ross's door, DWJ stands in full Romulan uniform. Boldly, she lets herself in, and as soon as the door closes behind her, Rachel Phoebe, Martin, and Daphne emerge from behind an impossibly small potted plant to press ears against the door and hear what happens.

As DWJ enters the room, Emily gives Ross one last kiss for luck, then hides in the bathroom.

Ross: (Appalled and trying to hide it) Hello my goddess of the crutches.

DWJ: Oh, you sexy American. I yearn to see you unclothed.

Ross: (backing away) I desire you most greatly.

DWJ: (not coming any further in the room) First, I must dance for you. (Casting aside her crutches, she spins around in a circle and starts flicking her fingers to the four corners of the room)

Ross: (Alarmed that she's going to fall over without the crutches, dashes across to her) Oh, you beautiful creature.

DWJ: You alarming...err. . .sexy...man

(At this point, in order to keep up the bluff, they are in a position where the only choice is to kiss. So they do. Ross kisses DWJ's chin, and DWJ kisses Ross's nose)

Ross: Shall we carry this to the bed?

DWJ: No!!! Not until... you rub lotion all over me!

Ross: While I'm getting the lotion, would you mind giving me your autograph? (Snatches some hotel stationery, thrusts it at her, and retreats to the bathroom

DWJ, limps out into the hall while signing the paper.

Rachel: He's about to crack.

DWJ: He's going to get lotion!!! I don't know if I can go through with this?

Rachel: He'll crack first. Don't worry. I know him.

DWJ: I hope you do. ..

Phoebe: Here I've done something like this before. This will really scare him. (with a flick of the wrists, she un-velcroes DWJ's sex goddess top displaying DWJ's slightly plain bra)

With a gulp, DWJ lets herself back inside.

In the bathroom. .. .

Ross: She wants me to rub lotion all over her!

(Emily hands him a bottle of lotion.)

Ross: but!

Emily: I will not be out-bluffed by Rachel Buffett. And I haven't got my autograph yet. Now go out there and get some.

Ross comes out of the bathroom just as DWJ closes the door behind her.

Ross: Oh, are you leaving.

DWJ: Wouldn't dream of it. Here's your autograph, loverboy. (She turns and Ross sees her bra)

Ross: (squeaks, but bravely crosses to her) Where shall we start?
(takes the autograph)

DWJ: Where do you want to start?

Ross: Well, no, ladies choice. Where do you want to start?

DWJ: Let's just skip the lotion altogether and...

Ross: I can't do this!

DWJ: (grins) why?

Ross: Because... because... because I'm in love with Rachel! Rachel! I love you! (reaches around behind DWJ to open the door. Martin, Daphne, Rachel, and Phoebe all fall inwards, with Rachel on top of the heap. Ross helps her up and they kiss as Emily bursts in from the bathroom.

Emily: What about me!

Ross: I want a divorce from you!

Emily: Well, can I at least have my autograph? (Ross gives her the autographed paper.) I'll see you in court Ross Chandler. (Exit)

Ross: Ms. Wynne-Jones, I can't tell you how glad I am to meet you. You've made it possible to for me to love the woman I truly love. Or something like that. And may I say .. . your breasts are still showing.

(Fade to credits as Peg lets herself in a room and finds a packet of already stale sandwiches in a woman's suitcase and surrenders herself to sit around watching TV all weekend with her hand looped through the belt of these silly suit pants).